Virginia, your friends are most certainly mistaken. They are ignorant to the joys that such a place can provide, blind to the wonder of the majestic region. They think that that which they hear about about on the news or see on maps is all that exists. But newscasters and cartographers are insignificant creatures in the grand scheme of things.

Yes, Virginia, there IS a West Virginia. It exists in the hearts and minds of those who truly believe in it. Also, it exists West of Virginia. Alas! What sort of country would this be without West Virginia? Without its historically significant logging and coal mining industries? Heaven forbid we should ever be deprived of its wide range of outdoor recreational opportunities, spelunking and Appalachian music festivals included. Let this buoyant and powerful “yes” echo throughout your heart, as it would echo inside West Virginia’s Organ Cave, the third largest cave in the United States.

How could one NOT believe in West Virginia? Granted, you may not me able to point it out on an unlabeled US map. You and 84% of the American population have that in common. Sure, you may think of Delaware or Colorado, or some significant state when you hear the phrase “The Mountain State,” but you would be wrong. West Virginia. When Pennsylvania, Ohio, Kentucky, and Maryland join forces with Virginia, you can’t go wrong. Why else would it be the only state in the Union to have acquired its sovereignty by proclamation of the President of the United States? Why else was the first United States federal prison exclusively for women opened there in 1926?

Behind the veil of your friends’ childish ignorance lies the unseen, 30% Baptist world which not the strongest man, nor even the united strength of all the strongest men that have ever lived, could tear apart. Even men from West Virginia, whose median age of 40 makes it the state with the oldest population. So is it real? Yes, Virginia, of course it is real. Benjamin Franklin once said, “There is nothing certain in life but West Virginia and taxes.” Incidentally, the first state sales tax in the United States went into effect in West Virginia on July 1, 1921.

It is true, Virginia, Cecil Underwood passed away in November of last year. He was the youngest and oldest person to serve as governor of West Virginia. Also, the first contestant on the game show “To Tell the Truth.” But in our hearts, as well as in VHS recordings of “To Tell The Truth,” he does exist! Thank God! He lives, and he lives forever. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay, ten times ten thousand years from now, he will continue to make glad the heart of childhood, as will the home of the world’s largest sycamore tree, the state in which Mother’s Day was first observed, and the state where, On January 26, 1960, Danny Heater of Burnsville High School scored 135 points in a school basketball game, earning him a place in the Guinness Book of World Records. The fantastic utopia that, in the glorious year of 1997, had the lowest crime rate in the nation. Yes, Virginia, there is a West Virginia. Without it, my dear child, how would we account for 15% of the nation’s total coal production?

This was posted on May 11th, 2009 at 7:51 pm in the category Humor.
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