I write essays, short stories, screenplays, audio plays, and comedy. The writing is usually about how I am doing things right and everyone else is doing them wrong, or else about elevators or serotonin. Sometimes they're published in places like Paste Magazine, ClickHole, and McSweeney's.
Sometimes I like to read stories & essays aloud, so here are some of those, if that's what you're into.
Essays & Fiction
Can't & Camber OR: Why I Peed on The Eiffel Tower OR: How I Learned to Draw An Apple
An essay about roads, mostly, and also about lasers and psychogeography and personal freedom.
Black & White
A short horror story I wrote for a storytelling event on an old ship in the Hudson river.
Why Thinspo Isn't a First Amendment Right
A blog post about the legality of posting pro-anorexia content on tumblr.
Elevator Etiquette and Economics: Who Gets the Shaft?
I try to explain Elevator Etiquette as an economic system using game theory as a dilettante in both economics and game theory.
Kony 2012 & Generation Y: Rebels Without A Pause OR: This Is Your Brain On Melodrama
A long reactionary blog post about KONY 2012.
A Guy Who Runs A Spooky Costume/Makeup/Prop Shop And Doesn't Know About Halloween Is Really Excited That Business Is Starting To Pick Up
The Iron Mirror
A short story I wrote during an Halloween office party with a plate of pasta on my lap.
10 Things Only I Will Understand
I published some of my most intimate and personal memories on BuzzFeed.
How To Vote
Instructions on how to vote in the US Presidential Election.
13 Super Stylish Kids (And Some Quotes)
Freelance clickbait for CollegeHumor.
A Conversation Between Myself And Ricky, My Childhood Best Friend Who Turned Out To Be A Robot Programmed By My Mother
A short imagined dialogue.
The Floor is Lava
A realtor gives prospective residents a tour of a home.
What If The Tsarnaevs Had Been Giant Copper Robots
A piece in response to the thicket of speculative thinkpieces following the Boston Marathon Bombing.
Today in July 18th
A series of monologue jokes about my favorite date. Written for CollegeHumor.
A bleak activity book written and designed for CollegeHumor.
Lincoln & Washington
A breakdown of the remarkable coincidences between the lives of two presidents.
Yes, Virginia, There is a West Virginia
I wrote this when I was sixteen.